life's is upside down right now..i just can't help myself.i'm helpless..i'm totally lost.i don't know who to trust or who to love..i've no one except my true love..my couzy and my fake sister which is nana..but i know they are busy with their life..who is to entertain me?i don't know who to turn to0..my mom?well...she's busy with her husband who is mt step father..i sound like i hate him but i don't it's just that he's not by my mom side when she need someone.i just can't see her cry everyday..all i can say is life's is totally challenging and hard.now...i've to depend on myself and only myself not others...

its been so long since i log in.=D well...wat can i say ive bin very bz party-ing n spending my time with ma love ones.hmm...today is a badbad day for me....actuali its bout ma mom.she was out in the morning but i was aslip so i called her to asked her where is she...but wen i called she started crying....and its because of my damn uncle...my late father's elder brother.she went to his house to check on them..see if they are ok..but wen my mom knock the door...my uncle's daughter son told my mom that he cant open the damn door...is it wrong for my mom to check on them even if my father's dead???atlis we still tink bout them rather then giving them shit atitude...rite??well...after wat my mom told me wat hapen to her i cried.....we were very close to them and this is what we get in return....they should tell us wat is their problem rather then running away like a coward dog....yeah..they are cowards....or is it because of me...after my father passed away they were against my mother' marriage...so i was the one who stand up for her saying stuff i shouldn't have and my 1st brother was reli mad at me.....i did it cos no one stand up for her and she is my mother afterall...yes im rude to people who is rude to my mom...yes i mus hve a limitation but she is my mother.well....i'll continue next time

i want my father back!i want no one else!my life is totally different!i hate my life!i can't let him go.people say i've to learn to let go but i can't.i just need him in my life NOW.i'm 8teen,for god sake,i need him to guide me.i know you must be wondering girls usually need their MOM when they grow up but i need my FATHER.MY OWN BLOOD FATHER!!!i don't need any STEP OR SECOND-HAND FATHER.my life is a MESS.i shouldn't have agree with my mom.i shouldn't let her re-married.i don't like the sound of it.i don't care what you people think about it.i just want my family back,where there is laughter,joy,smile.i need it badly.I WOULD SELL MY SOUL JUST TO SEE MY FATHER ONE LAST TIME.well,whenever my second-hand father is around i've to wear a mask and i've to do everything right or else my mom would throw me her sad face and she really wants me to behaved just for him.who the hell is he?he's also a human-being.no one's perfect and i don't give a shit to him anymore.i'm starting to hate him even looking at him disgust me.i'm not trying to be rude.but whenever he's around everything must be perfect and well behaved.come on we're old enough to think.my mom change TOTALLY,just like transformers.you know what,sometimes i'm mad at my mom.in her mind that man is her 1st priority,but we're in her life 1st then him but why the sudden change?i know they are married but must she..god i don't even know how to explain.i don't even like staying at home anymore.i just want to stay outside for as long as i could.sometimes thinking of it makes me cry.but is it worth it?can i just go on to my seperate ways?i don't know when im going to tell my mom bout this.but if i do,it would break her heart but thinking back she always breaks my heart by putting me aside.i cant't believe she build me up and tear me down just like an abandoned house.deep inside my heart is breaking.never going to let HER take the world away from me.i can't believe myself,girl who gives advices to her friends can't even think right now.i can't believe i'm broken inside.trying to hide the pain but it seems so obvious.well,i never saw it coming.this is the first time i ever felt so lonely.how i wish someone could cure this pain.i thought my mom would come around when i ignore her but she's just busy thinking bout herself and not her daughter.i'm going to live today like it's my last day.i'm going to ENJOY and change to better in time to come.JUST WATCH ME!!i think i can make it on my own.

i am being me.i can't be the perfect girl they want me to be.i need to make mistake just to learn who i am and i don't want to be so damn protected.they must trust me.there is many ways but why they choose this way?i believe in chances but why can't they?but who am i to say?what a tiny girl is to do?i just need answer not question all the time.what am i suppose to do with my life?i fell like i'm stuck in a cage.how am i suppose to know the world?how am i suppose to know what's right?i just can't help feeling this way.i already told them what i would do,wouldn't do,will do but why can't they just trust me but instead scolding me without knowing how i behave?is it fair?it's true i'm their only sister but they have to let me free somtimes somehow,they have to trust me and not their friends saying all the time.i don't need nobody to tell me what i'm going to do with my life,what i must and must not do.i'm so fed up with people telling me to be someone else but me.i used to think that i have answers for everything but now i know that life doesn't always go on my way.i didn't asked for more,i just need time and moment that is all mine.i need memory brothers.there is no need to protect me now,i'm old enough you need not worry that much.it's time for me to learn.i've to learn to face shit on my own.i've seen so much more than you know now,so don't asked to me to do stuff or close my eyes.but if you would atleast once look at me in my eyes.you can see a young girl who will always find her way.it ain't that easy to influence her.she's not what you think she is,bro.all i need now is just your trust but now i see that you ain't trying abit but i'm a superstar in your damn show.you're trying to show people that you care but you don't give a shit to me but you gave all those shit in your love life.so,now i understand your love life is much more important than your so called lil sis.bro i thought you were different but you weren't.i'm sori but im not mad at you i just hate the both of you.i know it's not right saying all this but i've no choice.if you can do it your way so can i.if you can show your stone-head on the streets,don't you think i can do better than you?even if i don't i would let you down no matter what.i'm willing to do it FOR MYSELF.

am i hurting him by telling him the truth?is it wrong being straightforward?i feel so bad.he's avoiding me after i told him everything.i don't wan to lose him.he's so special but yet i hurt him.i don't think i deserve anyone to love.cause everytime i love someone i lost them by telling them the truth.this time i don't want it to happen,but it did.argh.im so f@#%ed up.i hate it when comes to this stage.whatever it is i have to face it on my own.but what should i do?well,it happen because of my stupid ex,ELIAS.what is the point of continuing a relationship when the other party don't want?it's pointless.but he keep on insisting.but i felt nothing is the same.everything change and now he wants me back but the problem is i don't want him back.i love being with EIREEL.he makes me different and he respect me alot.he can make me smile without looking at me.that's what i like bout him and now i think everything change because of me.why?what am i suppose to do?should i back off?should i avoid everyone?what?!

you were like my lover and my bestbest friend,
you're wrap in one,
i didn't know how to follow,
you're the reason why i'm thinking,
i let you in my door,and you're my only sunshine,
i thought i wouldn't give myself to anyone,anymore,
but it's a miracle to bring you to me,
ain't it crazy when you're loveswept,
you'd do anything for the one you love,
it's like he's my favourite and harmful drug,
well,he's ugly when he's upset,
and the award for the best in everything goes to him,
he made me feel so....
what can i say?
he really had my heart,
but he'll always be my sun that is shining so bright,
these fancy things will never come in between,
it's like spending time with you doing nothing that makes me happy,
your smile is like a child,
your eyes makes me blush whenever you look at me,
if it's loving that you want,
come and share my world,
i'm he's shawty,
he's my sugar to switten my day!!!!

IM DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH DUMDUM!!!well.everything just felt diffrent eventhough we felt and sometimes think the same way.sometimes it's hard to be mad at him,i just can't stand him.must everything he do makes me smile?well,i just love being arnd him.the funny thing is i'm afraid to hug him and i don't know why.but he's so0o cute i just want him close.he's extraordinary.i really love this guy.no doubt.he gave me different kind of feelings.he always makes me wanna meet him without him doing nothing.u get it?maybe he had a spell on me.haha.k now i'm talking crap.haha.well,i don't really care what people have to say about me or him,actually i never care bout what they have to say.i can be myself when i'm with him.i can't believe he's the one to fill me up and i hope he wouldn't tear me down.if he did i wouldn't let anyone to fix my heart cause i'm just tired of starting out anew.sometimes it's just a waste of time.he always made me feels like child and he pampered me alot.he gave me feelings that i adore.what am i goin to say,when he made me feels this way?he made me smile even for awhile.i remember the first time i know him.it was at suntec.we were working at the same place yet i didn't notice but he did notice me.after a few days or on that same day he asked he's friend to come up to me.a really cute guy.they call him BEAR.first i thought he was a chicken but on the second it's ok cause if he asked me i wouldn't be able to open my mouth.haha.he was a shy guy just like me AT FIRST.after awhile we meet up,went out,clubs and all then there's this thing call love came up.well,no one can make me feels as happy as he did.HONEST.people say if your partner follow he's own path and you're on your own you'll find someone better and now i do!!life have to move on.no stress,no stress.